The Bush-Cheney Re-Election Recipe
Scroll down a bit on this page and you will find my report on having uncovered the secret recipe to re-tooling the Kerry campaign (see post titled "K-Street Veterans for Kerry"). Many of you excited readers wrote in and demanded I use my my journalistic prowess to hunt down whatever secret recipe the Bush campaign might be using in response.
Well, good news. My platinum sources inside Karl Rove's office have secured just such a document.
I can now make public and reveal to all the current Bush-Cheney Re-elect Recipe:
Pluck, clean, and dismember a dozen gray-streaked chicken-hawks. Discard everything except the right-wings. (Take special care to make sure no heart or brain material gets mixed in). Place the dozen wings in a large crock-pot. Mix in a cup of chicken livers, 6 ozs. of peeled Enrons, and a dash or two of Swift Boat mythology. Slather the entire contents with a thick coating of Giuliani sauce. Now, outsource the actual cooking to a Pakistani contract employee whom you instruct as follows: Bring to a simmer, while mixing in three cups of sun-dried Alabama Air National Guard records and two shots of 80 year-old Rummy.. Season liberally with raw hubris (if out of season good old fashioned bullshit is a reasonable substitute). Using a stiff and resolute, 8-inch turkey-baster, infuse the entire concoction with delusions of empire. Transfer the contents to an all-aluminum Halliburton case and place in the oven after blessing twice with the Lord's Prayer. Bake at Fahrenheit 911 for approximately 7 minutes or until the contents are reduced to ash. Remove the case of charred ash, dump the dinner in the trash, and blame the failure on Saddam (but go ahead and lay off the Pakistani cook anyway so you don't have to pay out any benefits or overtime). Offer your deepest apologies to your disappointed guests and serve them a substitute bowl of re-heated domestic thin gruel left-over from the Dole-Kemp party. Remind them relentlessly that if the Democrats win in November we will all die in a terrorist attack. Remind them again. And again. Now, I know this wasn't quite as much fun as the Democratic recipe. But whoever said the Republicans were about fun?
September 9th, 2004 at 7:14 pm
Falling off the bed with laughter!
My 2 favorite lines:
“Bake at Fahrenheit 911 for approximately 7 minutes or until the contents are reduced to ash.”
“Bring to a simmer, while mixing in three cups of sun-dried Alabama Air National Guard records and two shots of 80 year-old Rummy..”
Don’t stop now…..tommorrow has to be “The California/Schwarzenegge Recipe”, which could be positive?
September 10th, 2004 at 1:36 am
Hey, and if authentic Guard records are unavailable, you can always make up more and sell the extras to Dan Rather.
September 10th, 2004 at 4:25 am
Marc writes: “Slather the entire contents with a thick coating of Giuliani sauce.”
Is that with or without the prune base?
September 10th, 2004 at 7:43 am
And, of course, sprinkle with some Tom Ridge, Terror Alert Essence: BAMN! BAMN! BAMN!
September 11th, 2004 at 6:47 pm
can’t imagine there’d be too much danger of heart material getting mixed in there, but thanks for the cautionary note.
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September 14th, 2010 at 5:54 am
Hey there, I was reading your article and I just wanted to thank you for putting out such great content. There’s so much nonsense on the internet these days its hard to find anything worthwhile. I actually have cooked this recipe before, I got this book last month on recommendation from a friend http://ninjahq.com/go/cookingrecipes and it turned out very nice! I’m very eager to try your variation of it though, it looks excellent. I think you might enjoy those recipes, they’re very good. Thanks for the article and great ideas.